I had a very existential conversation with a dear friend yesterday. I think it was the best we’ve had so far ever since I’ve known her, where both of us were gently stubborn and perhaps amusingly foolish in our respective stands on life and how to live. We talked about what happiness is, and what sadness and pain and anger are, and how living is about navigating our encounters with all these emotions through the things that happen to us in life. And I am of the opinion, that with some effort and a bit of luck, one can truly shape the emotional plane of one’s life, and chose happiness.
Happiness is a choice. It is true that many times many of us lack the wherewithal to make that choice. We need a bit of support. Things happen to us in life that take away parts of ourselves or who we are yet to be, leaving behind holes and walls and defenses in their wake. It could be the death of a spouse, a childhood trauma, or a slow creeping in of purposelessness from which arises overtime the existential anxiety or angst. Anxiety need not be a state of agitation, it can also be a stage of resignation. It implies a retreat into oneself, owing to the failure of us identifying with the roles we don or the circumstances we inhabit. It’s the moment when the “outsider” arises, when we are looking at the world dispassionately as if from the outside, unable to fully gear in, keeping the best parts of ourselves drawn in, when we stop truly engaging. That leaves behind a void which is often filled by sadness, or rather nothingness, in Sartre’s words.
Existential philosophers have precisely this mountain to climb- once the sheer pointlessness of life becomes evident to you, where do you go from there. Some failed, perhaps refused, to find a way out of the ‘ignominy’ of human existence. To them it was an act of intellectual dishonesty to the finality of the ‘absurd’ (meaninglessness of life that is). They couldn’t justify a logical connect between acknowledging the intrinsic absence of meaning to life and finding ways to engage with it. Albert Camus says that the only serious philosophical question is suicide. Deciding whether life is worth living is the one true introspective question. Standing upon a cliff, one can decide either way - that’s the basic condition of existentialism, in which there is no escape from freedom; no rules, no reason, no guidance. The answer has to come from within. And let’s face it, most of us, even the most wretched ones, are not entirely devoid of reasons to live for. If so, and if we indeed chose life, why do we then go ahead and drain it- living that is- of so much of the stuff that it’s made of? Why do we chose life and yet not fully commit? Why do we become lazy? Choosing not to jump, but not leaving the edge either, we linger; and life passes us by unlived one day at a time.
Commitment to life is a conscious act, and it’s what engenders happiness. Happiness is not, as my friend believes, a heightened sense of elation which represents an emotional abnormality which can’t be sustained. Happiness can be assured and calm, and purposeful. In fact, that’s precisely what it is. Happiness to me is finding purpose. It is engagement. It is acceptance of the absurdities that led me to where I am today and of the world around me, but then taking back control and working towards something that I truly want for myself. It could be a career we desire, a place we want to be, friendships and love and connection with others which give us joy. It could be anything you want it to be, because no one else but you are deciding what’s important to you.
There is no point half-assing life, in my opinion. Life is not a pursuit of happiness, happiness is not a goal. Happiness is an outcome; and we can only choose our actions, not their consequences. But overtime, as we stumble through life and if we give it enough care and attention, we learn to listen to the voice in our head that propels us towards actions that may engender happiness, and we learn to trust it. May be that’s what intuition is. It’s the last frontier in our journey to the kernel of self. The touchstone of self-awareness.
I also however am humbled by the truth that this is a very hard thing to do for many of us. Being in a position where we can discard the worldly limitations that inhibit our freedom- be it responsibilities, lack of resources, and hence of options- takes benevolent coincidences outside our control. And if we want to blame our situated reality for our lack of authenticity and thus of happiness, sure, but I’d say let’s do that only after we can confidently claim that we have done our part right. Creating a situation which affords us the freedom to nurture our true selves takes effort and destiny’s indulgence. And you can’t blame the latter unless you bring home the former.
Achieving happiness is not akin to rewriting our destiny. Happiness is what we decide it should be for us from now on — given where we are and what we have to work with. Life as it is, so to speak, is the clay we mould into happiness. No point fretting over the inheritances imbued in the clay itself.
Happiness, and its pursuit through engagement, is an active choice. It’s a conscious choice derived from the fountainhead of our realization of our existential freedom. And unlike angst, it’s not something that perpetually drains the cup. It’s one that continually fills it.
